


Kiss Me Better

by kiimigi



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, summaries are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 18:45:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14920869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiimigi/pseuds/kiimigi
Summary: "I love you Erasmus. I fall for you over and over again the more I learn about you. Not the instrument or possession but you. And I’m terrified that I can’t have all of you."Erasmus has settled in Patras and slowly getting used to his new life. As they spend more time together, Torveld finds himself falling for him, not the slave or possession but him. But shadows of Erasmus's past loom over him and Torveld tries each day to help ease away the scars. But there Torveld things-even with all his power as prince- may not be able to just wipe away.





	Kiss Me Better

**Author's Note:**

> Never thought I'd be writing a fic for Capri but here I am.  
> Written for Capri-month day 21:Love  
> Some slight spoilers for Training of Erasmus just in case

Torgeir came to visit Torveld that summer, a side-stop from his trip back from Akielos. They sat together under the high summer sun, the curtains flowing in the breeze as they talk and drank. Erasmus was a slight weight against his thigh. It was these long quiet days that reminded him too much of his childhood days, when Torgeir was still being groomed to be king and him to command. They would spend their afternoons swimming in the river, tumbling in the sand as they practised wrestling and drinking too much wine that they weren’t used to yet. Things had been simpler then, he didn’t have scars yet or feel the weight of his men on his shoulders.

Then he remembered the look Torgeir had cast towards Erasmus as they talked.

Erasmus had curled an arm around his leg, leaning against him, his legs folded to the side in perfect position. He had his eyes closed as if asleep, his breathing slow and even. Torveld reached down, running a hand through his burnished hair, soft against his fingertips. Erasmus responded by rubbing his cheek against his leg, his breath whispering as he smiled against his skin. Torveld smiled too. But Torgeir’s strong brow creased as he frowned, watching them before shaking it off as quickly as it had appeared. Thankfully Erasmus hadn’t noticed it. Or perhaps he had seen. Torveld worried that he would read it the wrong way if he did.

 “What is it?” Torveld said

“Nothing we haven’t already spoken of, brother.” Torgeir said getting up “Well I’ve neglected my duties long enough. You should visit Bazal more often. The children ask about you, I’m afraid they find you more interesting than me.” He lightly punched Torveld on the arm before leaving. In that moment he had felt more like his brother than his king, as he smiled with a look in his eye. A look he was familiar with from his childhood.

Back when he was still young and only starting to learn how to chase after girls, he was flirting badly, and having his heart broken for the first time. Torgeir, years ahead of him and already experienced , just laughed with that same look, a look that said _I know something you don’t, but I’m going to let you figure it out on your own_ no matter the heartbreaks and mistakes that would come first.

“Is there something bothering you?” Erasmus said, bringing him back to the present. He looked at him from where he sat on the floor, resting his chin on his knees, with those rounded eyes of his. He often seemed so much younger than he actually was, sheltered and naïve to the ways of the world. Not that he held it against him but then there were times he surprised Torveld with how perceptive he could be.

“Why don’t you come sit up here with me Erasmus. I wish to talk with you” Torveld said. Erasmus immediately lifted himself from the ground and slide next to him on the couch neatly, allowing Torveld to wrap his arm around him, pulling him closer. They shifted until they were both comfortable, Erasmus resting his head on his chest.

“You were listening weren’t you, to my conversation with Torgeir” Torveld said playing with his hair again.

“Yes” Erasmus said after a while “was I not supposed to?”

“No, it’s a good thing.” Torveld said quickly “I actually wanted to ask what you thought about it?”

“he…he didn’t seem very pleased with you” Erasmus said slowly, not wanting to speak ill of his king.

“No, I suppose he’s not. He is my older brother after all. He’s been looking out for me long before he was king.”

“If he is as good of a brother as he is a king, he is just trying to look out for you. Does that mean that there is something is worrying you?”

”there is”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” He said but his eyes spoke for him. They seemed to plead a chance to prove his devotion and obedience which sadly was part of what was worrying Torveld.

“I’m afraid not”

“Oh.” Erasmus said quietly, his face falling, looking as if he had somehow failed. “Then I hope you feel better soon”

“Thank you Erasmus”

Erasmus was excellent in every way and served him well, but Torveld could not imagine that he would be anything but that. He quickly becomes a constant presence in his life, from to attending him during meetings to the little pot of wild flowers Erasmus kept on his windowsill. In return Torveld makes sure he is without want. He remembers to tell him how incredible he is but Erasmus took all praise humbly, pressing himself to the ground. Torveld hoped that one day he’ll sees his own worth, exclusive of the worth others put onto him.

 

One day he takes Erasmus out horse riding. Erasmus wriggles in the saddle, both excited and a little nervous as Torveld swung into the saddle behind him, his arms framing Erasmus as he takes hold of the reins. They rode over hill and through forests and flowering meadows, Erasmus’s laugh light and easy as the wind tousled their hair, his back pressing into Torveld’s front.

 “If you enjoyed that I could teach you one day” Torveld said and helped Erasmus down from the saddle with strong hands on his waist and placed him down gently on the ground.

“Really? You would allow that?” Erasmus said, practically glowing.

“Of course but from now on you don’t have to ask permission. If you want something you just have to ask and it’d be so.” Torveld said brushing a leaf that had gotten caught in his hair, his finger lingered the shell of his ear, wanting to stay there. It wasn’t a sexual feeling either, he just wanted to be close to him, to be there for Erasmus, to know him. He shook the sensation off, taking the reins and leading the horse back to the stables, Erasmus pranced beside him. Torveld took Erasmus’s hand in his own as they walked.

It was a cloudless summer day. Torveld lays himself out on the grass of the orchard, the lush green leaves rustling gently above him. It was harvest season and they picked the fruit right for the stem as they walked hand in hand. Torveld peeled the fruit for Erasmus and sometimes Erasmus, unprompted, would lean forward and take it from his fingers, his lips a soft pressure on his fingertips. He sat back a small smile on his lips but not quite looking at him as if he was surprised by his own actions. Away from the palace, their positions seemed to melt away in the summer sun, leaving behind just _them_. He could only hope that Erasmus felt the same way.

Erasmus sung for him, strummed his kithara in a pretty tune, his voice ebbing and flowing on the breeze. Torveld watched him, from where he lay, watching the subtle little movements. He noticed that Erasmus's colouring had deepened since his arrival to Patras. Turning from a impossibly pale to a warmer creamy colour.

“You have a lovely voice Erasmus. The best I’ve ever heard.” Torveld said in the lapse between songs

“You are too kind” Erasmus said even as he flushed, bowing his head in a subtle show of submissiveness, leaning into him, his form asking for more.

“You really are.”

“I’m glad that I can bring you pleasure”

“Do you enjoy playing?”

“During my training it one that I looked forward to the most. I had good teachers”

“I want know everything about you Erasmus. What you like, what you don't, what was your training was like. Everything”

“If it pleases you”

When Erasmus asked what he would most like to hear, he said “Would you play your favourite song”

Erasmus’s fingers faltered as he considered the question, too used to being told what to play. When he picked up again, he played a love song, something in Akielon so Torveld didn’t understand all the words but it sounded like everything Erasmus was, soft and subtle. Torveld was impressed at how Erasmus’s fingers elegantly weave the strings of his kithara, with a surety in his ability. Torveld lost himself in Erasmus's voice. A bird took flight, its wings clapping in applause to his performance and Torveld watched as it disappearing into the blue of the sky.

 It was a slow process, but Torveld slowly helped Erasmus push his comfort zone and find his independence, starting with small choices, getting Erasmus to make his own decisions on seemingly trivial daily happenings. Torveld hoped that it had a stacking effect. But these were the good days. It made Torveld’s heart fall at how fast Erasmus would fall back on his training, especially when Erasmus was scared or out of his depths, or even if someone lifted their voice when giving him a command.  So Torveld took it day to day, looking out for his triggers.

Torveld was training one day, drilling his sword work. Erasmus was sitting on the steps of the training arena, watching him with the curious eyes. From where Torveld was standing, he could catch the briefest hint of the scars that marked Erasmus's thigh and something twisted deep in Torveld’s gut.

“I want you to learn Erasmus” He said to Erasmus

“it-it would be inappropriate for this slave to learn” Erasmus said quietly, and Torveld flinched at that specific phrase.

“If something was to happen to you, I want you to learn how to protect yourself” Torveld said

Erasmus slowly got to his feet, his arms curled around himself, his head bowed as Torveld coaxed him forward like a shy filly. But he knew that Erasmus was only moving because he was told to. Torveld handed Erasmus the dagger, hilt first, and Erasmus held it in the flats of like he had just been handed a dead rat. Erasmus shivered when Torveld stepped behind him, rearranging his stance and wrapping his hand over Erasmus’s on the hilt. Their bodies pressed together as Torveld guided him through the motions. They were standing closer than they’ve ever been, Torveld could feel the curve of his back against his front, Erasmus was shorter than him so  he had to lean over him, curling his body over his, speaking right next to his ear.

 They spent the afternoon like that. They stuck to the dagger. A sword would be much too heavy for him. He also taught him the basic wrestling techniques, he won’t be winning any tournaments but at least he’d know what to do if someone tried to pin him. Even though he learnt quickly, successfully preforming the moves that Torveld showed him, he never quite overcame his initial weariness, only driven by wanting to obey and apologizing whenever he even came close to hurting Torveld.  Torveld just smiled and said he was used to much worse than Erasmus.

But it only took one bad fall to push Erasmus over the edge. Torveld had been showing Erasmus how to unbalance someone who came up behind him and Erasmus performed it perfectly, sending him diving into the sand. The swell of pride that Torveld had felt immediately shattered when he pushed himself onto his elbows to see Erasmus prostrating himself, shaking in the dirt.

It was the biggest disgrace for a slave to bring harm to their masters. Even in Akielos, a slave being trained to fight was unthinkable. Why would they need to? When their master swore to protect them and treat them perfectly. Being able to defend himself, to refuse what a master would want to do to him, that would go against everything Erasmus was taught to believe.

“There’s nothing to worry about Erasmus. You’re doing great” Torveld kneeled by Erasmus’s side, trying to coaxing him out of the submissive posture with a soft hand on his trembling back and encouraging words that usually worked “You’re doing so well”

“I can’t- please don’t make me” Erasmus whimpered, his voice cracking with desperation and on the edge of tears “Please”

“Okay, I won’t force you.” Torveld said gently “We’re done for the day but I do want you to be able protect yourself. Maybe when you feel more comfortable we can try again, okay?” Torveld felt sick thinking about what had been done to him in Vere and he prayed that Erasmus would never need to defend himself again.

They returned to the room after they had washed the dirt and sweat from their skin and Erasmus was looking more like himself. Torveld sat on the edge of the bed as Erasmus wordlessly slid onto his knees in front of him, resting his forehead on Torveld’s knees, his hand tense balls in his lap. Torveld brushed a hand through his hair, stroking his hair and whispering words of praise and affection and he could feel some of the tension bleed from him, relaxing against him.

Torveld wished things could be different. But there was a undeniable part of Erasmus that gained comfort from submitting, handing control to someone else. Torveld could understand it to a degree. It familiar and simple and someone could to protect and shelter you when the world was vast and full of things that would wish to harm him.

 

 

In the morning they do not talk of it. Erasmus never wants to. But despite the setbacks, Torveld doesn’t push the subject but surprisingly Erasmus was the one who brought it up a few days later.

They were in the bath together, steam wafting around them in fluffy clouds. They liked taking baths together, it made him soft and his limbs pliant, the hot water easing the tension from his muscles. Recently he would catch Erasmus staring, his eyes lingering on him before darting away. Whether his face was blushed from the heat or something else Torveld could never decide. Nudity was common place Akielos, but he didn’t know if the same was true for the slaves. Erasmus sat behind him on the edge of the bath, a towel draped over his waist as he washed Torveld’s hair, who tilted his head back, giving himself to Erasmus, humming his encouragement as Erasmus massaged his scalp skilfully.

Torveld felt fingers wondering on his skin, a bold move on Erasmus’s part, as Erasmus traced a puckering scar on his shoulder “How did you get these?”

It was hard to remember specifically, he had many, but Torveld told him of the battles that he had fought and of the long days and longer nights of his campaigns at the border.

“It sounds glorious. You’ve protected so many people. No wonder so many people look up to you, you’ve earned their praise tenfold” Erasmus said easing into the waters again so it was easier to talk.

“War and death are horrible, Erasmus.” His voice dipped “I do not enjoy it but I do what I have to protect those who I care about. It was what I was groomed to do. These scars are proof of that. It reminds me of them, that I survived while others hadn’t” Erasmus nodded slowly. His hand drifted to touch the inners of his thigh, where he had been branded and scarred, a imperfection where Erasmus was bred to be perfect.

 

 

It was at night when they opened up to each other, when it was quieter and slower. They stood on the balcony staring up at the sky, filled with diamond stars and a crescent moon. The same sky that he would look up to when he was at the border and alone and missing home and the same one Erasmus must have looked up to in Akielos, in Vere. He was a long ways from home, two times now his life has been uprooted when he had been promised a simple one.

Torveld told him about his boyhood days, stories his mother used to tell him and about his time at the border, he told him of the nauseating panic he gets when he fights somebody better than him, knowing that only one of them will walk away and he tells him of the first person he had to kill.

In turn Erasmus told him tales from faraway lands that neither of them have been to, told him stories of kings and great man long dead, told him stories of Akielos and the gardens of his youth and the little things he used to ache for in private. They spent hours like that, listening to each other memories, the stars as their audience.

Erasmus would weave his words elegantly, spinning them into designs of distant times. Painting such a vibrant picture that Torveld could see the lush green of the slave gardens, could imagine the sea breeze of Akielos, and smell the perfume that they used on him. It made Torveld's own stories feel inadequate.

But then there were some stories that Erasmus did not tell. That he would approach but would fall off, losing all his grace shuttering to a stop and his eyes would drop, lost in a memory.

“Erasmus” Torveld said quietly, prompting him back to him when the silence had dragged on for a time.

“I’m sorry” Erasmus shaking it off “I was lost in thought” Torveld wondered if he missed Akielos, his home. The palace and the other slaves he grew up with. Torveld showered him with gifts of sheer fabrics and jewels and affection but it could never the same as the comfort of home which was something he could never give him.

“Were you thinking of Kallias?” Torveld said immediately regretted asking as Erasmus’s expression grew panicked, before he looked away hiding his face and biting his lower lip.

“How do you know that name?” Erasmus said quietly

“You say it in your sleep sometimes.” Erasmus eyes grew wide, flushed red even in the dark

“I’m sorry-“

“You’ve done nothing wrong.” He’s even told him of Vere, sparingly, stuttering and held in Torveld’s lap as he tugged his hem down. And yet he’s never said anything about this boy, not a whisper, not a breath, it was like he didn’t want to remember.

“But you never speak of him. What’s upsetting you love? Tell me” Torveld said, soothing a hand down his back. He saw Erasmus battling with himself, tense under his hand. Part of him wished he had chosen his wording better, he didn’t want him to feel forced into telling him but he did want him to open up to him, lean on him and rely on him.

“I…I don’t want to talk about it” He looked at him expectantly and Torveld made sure to keep his eyes soft eyed and understanding.

“Then you do not have to” Torveld said offering a soft reassuring smile “I’ve said it before you do not have to do something you don’t want to even if I ask you. You’re allowed to do what you want. Things are different here. Different from Vere, different from even Akielos”

“Thank you” Erasmus relaxing into Torveld’s touch, leaning against him and Torveld wrapped his arms around him, as they stood in silence, enjoying each other’s presence and warmth in the cool night air. Erasmus collected himself, slowly coming back to him. Again Torveld didn’t press him further despite wanting him.

Having given Erasmus his choice back meant that he couldn’t turn around and make him tell him. That would be counterproductive and unfair. It had taken a lot for Erasmus to say no to him, to go against everything his training told him to do. But it was a mixed feeling, one hand he was proud that he had accomplished it but he did want Erasmus to be able to open up to him. Maybe in time.

Maybe in time He’d be able to tell Erasmus too. The news Torgeir had brought earlier that summer and how selfish he had been.

 

 

Torgeir and him and been sitting together as they overlooked the gardens, a small platter of food between them and a wine for both of them. It had been a pleasant day, a breeze to keep them cool and the song of faint laughter of the slaves splashing in the fountain.

“So you’ve heard what Damianos said. What he’s proposing” Torgeir said

“Have you been considering it?” Torveld said

“Are you worried that I am?” When Torveld didn’t raise to the bait Torgeir continued “I heard he disguised himself as a slave while he was in Vere.”

“I’ve heard that too” He should have realized it when he first saw him, he had had an inkling but it was unthinkable, impossible even. The whole world thought he had died with his father.

Torveld turned his attention back to the slaves, picking out one slave in particular. Erasmus looked up from the game he had been playing and smiled when he noticed Torveld looking at him. Torveld smiled back. He was playing with the other slaves, little games that they had created, sitting amongst the grass with flowers woven into his hair.  

“He’s a delicate little thing. I can see why you like him” Torgeir said

“He’s not as delicate as he seems” Torveld

Torgeir laughed at his “Be careful now. The others may grow jealous” He was joking of course. He knew he didn’t take lovers into his chambers frequently “So have you lay with him yet?”

He felt his face grow hot and red like he was a kid and green and he tried to hide it behind his glass, taking a large gulp of wine “no”

“That’s a surprise”

“It’s different with him.”

“Different? How so?”

“It didn’t feel right, just taking it from him like that.”

“You haven’t changed have you, still a romantic at heart. You’re completely smitten with him.” Torgier smiled teasingly at him “and don’t you even try to deny it, little brother. You treat him differently than the others. He’s got you wrapped around his finger and you don’t even know it. _He_ doesn’t even know it.” He knows Torgier wasn’t happy with how he aided Laurent, that it was Erasmus that had convinced him to. He had thought they had put it behind them.

“What does it matter, if I am. I will never take the throne so I don’t have the burden of producing heirs.”

“I’m just warning you, little brother. I don’t want to see you hurt." Torgeir says his voice growing serious “He’s a slave, Torveld. He'll do things because that’s what he was trained to do. It’s nothing more than that. He’ll say things because that’s what you want to hear. He’ll make you feel what you want to feel because that who he is, who he was designed to be.“ Torveld soured at the words, his hand tightening around his cup.

“I choose not to believe that” Torveld said

“Then you have already been blinded by the illusion that is him. I do not want to lose you chasing something that you cannot have. Something that is false.”

“You won’t” They didn’t say anything for a long time after that, Torveld festering on his brother’s words

“I’m supposed to respond to Damianos’s request soon. What is your opinion on the matter?”

“Even if Damianos abolishes slavery, along with Vere. It’d take time, a generation maybe more.“ Torveld said “It would be cruel just to cast them out with no knowledge of the world or how to survive in it. It’d still be about power, like it always is”

“Is that your answer?”

“It does not matter what my answer is. I am not king. The only answer that matters is yours”

“And you already know mine”

 

 

Erasmus continues to blossom and grows more confident, speaking his mind more often, as the days pass and Torveld couldn’t be more proud but there’s a new distance between them, one that Torveld put there. Erasmus continues to serve him and be exceptional but lately he had been too aware of Erasmus’s reactions, still the way he bows his head or the way his eyes flicker to Torveld as a gauge. Maybe he’s just imagining it, Torgeir’s words making him paranoid.

Like he told Torgeir he doesn’t take Erasmus. He knew of the significant of the First Night to palace slaves, and all the ceremony around it, but he was also cautious of his experience in Vere, how it was forced upon him. It just didn’t feel right. He wanted Erasmus not because his status claimed that it was his right to take it, or even is Erasmus’s training told him he should.

When Torveld has his urges, though infrequent, be invites another into his bed. But when Erasmus comes in the next day to attend him and to find Torveld draped over another man, smelling heavily of sweat and the other. He would stand quietly by the door, eyes glued to the floor as the other man leaves, slipping past him.  Erasmus would never say anything but he would look crest fallen and disappointed.

“What is it, love?” Torveld said sitting up, his limbs still sluggish from previous night’s activities.

“Nothing of consequence, my prince” falling back on his formulaic replies that Torveld hated so much. Sometimes Erasmus would open his mouth to say more but he would always stops himself.

Torveld would always tries to make it up to him, bringing him out riding again or going for a swim together. Then they would be alone, sitting side by side, Erasmus would rearrange limbs almost in an offering. His looks would grow longer and lingering and longing. Their conversation would lull, heavy between them, like Erasmus was expecting something more. Torveld would imagine how it would feel to kiss them, run his hand through his hair like he always did but this time it would be so much more intimate. How it’d feel to have Erasmus touch him in return.

Then Torveld would break away, having to get up and cross the room lest he tried something he regretted. Torveld would look back and see Erasmus deflate. Then he would see the gold collar and wrist cuffs, and Erasmus sitting on his bed looked, eyeing him expectedly would suddenly look too much like a prisoner

His work kept him busy and although he didn’t see Erasmus half as much as he would like anymore he tried to see the blessing in it, because now Erasmus could progress independently of him. Letters would come from Torgeir and Akielos regarding the slaves and he would ponder over them for hours by candlelight. He would sometimes have to ride to the border again, where it was too dangerous to take Erasmus with him and that would take him away from home for months and all that time his thought filled with Erasmus, he would stare up at the stars and think of their long quiet talks.

But he returned disturbing sight. While he encouraged Erasmus to keep up his practise to better himself it had morphed into something different. He would practise his kithara until his fingers were red and swore, he no longer played the love songs he so adored instead he sung of battles and wars, he would scrub at himself, scrubbing at his scar until Torveld had to pull his hand away from him, the water mudding with blood and he had even joined him in training again. Pushing himself until he couldn’t stand up even though he looked like he was going to be sick just holding the dagger.  When asked him about it his only reply was “I wish only to better serve you” Torveld’s stomach dropped thinking that somehow he had undone any progress that he may have done. Even worse it was only a matter of time before his body gave way.

Erasmus lay in bed the blanket pulled to his chin, his skin sticky with sweat and his face worryingly pale. Torveld sat by the bed “This feels a bit backwards doesn’t it. I’m so used to you taking care of me” Torveld teases as he dabbed at Erasmus’s face with a cool towel.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be such a burden to you” Erasmus said, his voice weak

Torveld frown “You could never be a burden to me Erasmus”

“But it’s my job to look after you. Not only have I failed at that but-”

“I thought we were supposed to be looking out for each other” Torveld said cupping his face “Now enough of this talk, I won’t hear you talking about yourself like this and I won’t see you hurting yourself for my sake”

Erasmus nodded slowly.

“Would you…Stay. Please. Don’t leave me again” Erasmus said, not looking at him but clutching at his hand

“I’m not going anywhere”   Torveld stayed by his side, reading Erasmus’s favourite books to him and telling him more stories when he asked for them. He held his hand under the blanket as he slept. Curling into Torveld’s chest, Torveld listened to Erasmus as he whimpered out Kallias’s name in his sleep, pleading for a boy that meant so much to Erasmus but never spoke of. It hurt to hear because what if Erasmus heart already belonged to another.

He doesn’t bring it up with Erasmus in the morning. Erasmus recovers soon after that, and Torveld makes sure he returns to his normal pace of training. He observes Erasmus carefully over the next couple of days, just to make sure, and to relieve some of his worries. Maybe things would be fine now.

“Is the food not to your liking? You don’t have to restrain yourself for me. Drink until you had enough” Torveld said, but not unkindly, as he watched Erasmus picked at his food more then he actually ate

“No, the food is wonderful. It just that I’m..I’m not hungry” Erasmus said with a strained smile. The rest of dinner passes in relative silence and when their done Erasmus helps to clean the dishes away before settling in to read a book, sitting at a chair across the room. Torveld watches his movements carefully and there’s an edge to them, lacking his usual practised ease. It’s like he’s distracted or not fully there.

They spend the rest of the evening like that, drifting in silence, neither of them feeling the need to fill the silence, happy just being in each other presence. However as the sun starts its descent in the sky, Erasmus putts down his book and slips out into the balcony without saying a word. The light catching him, making him glow red for a second before he disappeared outside.

He didn’t come back. Torveld frowns, worry trickling in cold tendrils down his spine after eramsu hadn’t returned in sometime, sliding out of his seat he makes his way to the balcony. hes sure to make enough sound, pushing the balcony doors open with a click, as he approaches so that he doesn’t scare erasmus

“What’re you doing out here alone, love? What’s wrong” Torveld said stepping beside Erasmus but doesn’t make a move to touch him. Erasmus was leaning against the banisters his arms folded and his face hidden in his burnished curls.

“Have I done something wrong? Are you punishing me?” Erasmus doesn’t look at him when he talks. His voice is so small it doesn’t quiet sound like him.

“What? Of course not? What makes you think that?” The guilt hits him like a punch in the gut when he sees it. Erasmus was crying. He had wiped the his eyes with the back of his hand quickly but Torveld had seen, his eyes red and watery as tear ran down his cheeks.

“But never touch me?” Erasmus looked away, embarrassed, a slight flush on his cheeks.

“I didn’t think you wanted that.” Torveld said “I didn’t want to force. Because of vere.”

“Vere” Erasmus said, more to himself “I’ve been so confused Torveld. It feels like you’ve been taunting me. You’re dangling it right in front of me only to jerk it away. Being here with you in Patras is everything I could have dreamed off but lately I’ve been craving something more, something I fear you can’t just give me?”

“If-“ Torveld stops then starts again. The words get trapped in his mouth, two halves of him struggling against each other “If you were given the chance to go back home, to Akielos, would you take it?”

Erasmus turns to him, panic in his wide eyes. Then Erasmus is grabbing onto him, his hands are shaking as fist into the fabric of his sleeve like he’s both scared to let go and be let go of “I-I can be better. I can be better for you. I won’t ask for anything more.I’ll do anything-”

“That’s part of the problem Erasmus.” Torveld touches his face. Erasmus’s eyes waver and Torveld thinks he may start crying, his eyes searching his for answers “I don’t want you to do things for me-I want you to do things because you want to and not because someone else told you you wanted to either. That’s why I must let you go. Do you remember when I told how I felt scared, when you’re fighting for your life and knowing that you could lose? This is ten times worse because I’m going to lose you.”

“I don’t have to leave, you already have me. I’m already yours”

“No-not really”

“But I’m scared that nobody else will want me”

“There aren’t enough people who deserve you, Erasmus” Torveld said “You could be free Erasmus. You could go home, back to Akielos. You could go back to Kallias”

Erasmus’s jerks back, and just stared at him, Torveld senses the mood change instantly “what do you know of Kallias?”

“I felt so…. jealous. “ Erasmus continues “I’ve never felt that before. It was one of the greatest achievements for a slave to have their First Night, it was the one thing I’ve been working towards all my life, but it was taken from me. But being with you that didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t think of First Nights, I just wanted… _you_. I’ve been so selfish, I wanted to be close to you, to have you. but I know I can’t.  I’ve been tainted and you deserve so much more than me. When I saw the others you brought into your bed, I was scared that maybe that you felt the same way”

“I have to know” Torveld said, his voice low “What happened before Vere? What happened between you and Kallias? Say the word and I’ll never speak of it again but I want to know, please, help me understand this.”

Erasmus looks scared and he slowly turns away from Torveld and he’s terrified that he’s pushed too hard this time. It’s so quiet. Erasmus doesn’t say anything for a long time, his eyes unfocused, lost in a memory. Then Erasmus he tells him everything.  There are no elegant words or vivid designs this time. It’s raw and real and vulnerable. He tells him about Kallias. Tells him about childhood friends.  Tells him the secret longings and the things he later ached for. Then he tells him about the night-the kiss- that changed everything. Torveld doesn’t interrupt or ask questions even though he has thousands.

When Erasmus was done, tears silently spilled from his eyes. He mourned for the boy Erasmus could have been. For a boy that should have been allowed to love and live but wasn’t. For the boy who he was only starting to see glimpses off, in the small changes of Erasmus showed him each day. The boy the world tried to crush but refused to break. Erasmus reached up to tenderly wipe his tears away and Torveld wraps his hand around his and bringing it to his lips and kisses his palm.

“I should have no right to master you. You are so much greater than I am.” Torveld said into his palm

“How can a man like you possibly be compared somebody like me” Erasmus said

“I don’t think you know the strength of person you are” Torveld said, drawing Erasmus to him, pulling him into his arms and burying his face in the crook of Erasmus’s shoulder. Erasmus wraps his arms around him too, relaxing into him “"I love you Erasmus. I fall for you over and over again the more I learn about you. Not the instrument or possession but _you_. And I’m terrified that I can’t have all of you." . What do you want Erasmus? Not what you think I want to hear, what will please me but what do you want Erasmus right now, in this moment.”

“You, I want to be with you.” Erasmus said “I understand now that Kallias saved me, that he wouldn’t know what would happen in Vere. I want to see him again, so badly it hurts some days. A part of me will always love Kallias. But I didn’t know what it meant to be _in_ love, not really. Not until you taught me. You gave me the freedom to love. And I love you for it. I want to have all of you”

“Is this alright. Are you sure?” 

“You don’t have to keep asking” Erasmus breathes out, already breathless

“I do though”

“It’ll always be yes” Erasmus squeaked when Torveld picked him up, and he wrapped his arms around his neck as Torveld walked them to the bed. For once Erasmus wasn’t forced, thrown or shoved down but gently laid out in the centre of bed.

“In Vere something precious was stolen from you and I couldn’t possibly replace it even or erase the scars but I prayed that I can somehow make it up to you.” Torveld said “You make me wish I wasn’t a prince or you a slave. I only have the power to change one of those. I want to mean everything to you but first I have be nothing to you. Not you’re master, or your prince. Just Torveld“

“Torveld” Erasmus whispered and Torveld would never have thought hearing his name could make his heart sing. Torveld slides to his knees in between Erasmus’s legs, and Torveld is reminded of the first time they met, Erasmus sitting at his feet in a Veretian court, a pretty slave boy kissing his feet. Torveld kisses up his thigh, sprinkling kisses on his soft skin. When he reaches the scar, he felt Erasmus react, jerking back but he rests a hand on his hips. He pours out all the love and devotion he feels onto his skin, making up for ever making him feel inadequate because he was anything but. Erasmus takes deep breathy sighs. Torveld looks up and Erasmus and he’s watching him so intently, everything so new to him.

Erasmus treads fingers through his hair and Torveld follows his instructions and in a bold move from Erasmus he leans forwards and kisses him, chaste and quick. He draws back, the tip of his tongue licking his lip, surprised at lingering taste on his lips. They smile and they’re kissing again. It’s everything he imagined kissing Erasmus would feel like and so much more. There no fireworks exploding in his head instead their melting and melding together, gentle and delicate just like Erasmus. Torveld pulls him further onto his lap, envelopes him in strong arms. When they finally pull away, they’re both teary eyed, and Erasmus rests his forehead against his, pressing together, Torveld smooths the back of his hair.

 “I hope that you find what you looking for, Erasmus. And when you do, if you don’t want to return, you don’t have to and I’ll be satisfied knowing you’re happy. But if you do come back, know that   you’d make me the happiest man alive.”

Erasmus is drawing him down onto the sheets, pressing away any space between them. This may be the only and last opportunity to wrap his arms around him again and cherish him like this. Slowly, they undress, kissing in between layers. Erasmus stares and this time he doesn’t look away. Some selfish part of him wishes they could stay under the stars together forever. They kiss again and again, long and lingering and gently. Erasmus grows bolder, running exploring hands across his back and arms, treading a hand in the back of his hair.

The world stops for them and it’s just them. Nothing else matters, no roles or battles or scars. For that time Erasmus is his and he is his. He may lose Erasmus in when the morning, disappearing through his fingers as the gold is unlocked, falling away. He memorises the feel of Erasmus’s hands, the little breathes he takes, his legs curl around him, and how his eyes glitter as he smiles. He tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, his heart aching as he leant forward, holding him and never wanting to let go or be let go off. If he never sees the sun again and they could remain here, tucked safely under white sheets and fluttering curtains, soft beneath him, he would be fine with that too.

“Just know, no matter what you’ll always have a home in my kingdom and my heart”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic really got away from me. It so much longer then I had planned it to be and I had to re-write the ending so many times. In the end I don't know how I feel about it but I loved some of the lines/moments in it so oh well
> 
> Reading Training of Erasmus changed my entire perspective on that boy and the relationship between Kallias and Erasmus shook me to the core. I was really upset that we never got more of Erasmus later on in the main trilogy. 
> 
> please forgive any errors I may have missed, I suck at editing. But as always constructive criticism is always welcome, tell me what you enjoyed, what didn't work etc etc


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